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Hello All,
Forgive me--I have not been active on the list for quite some time. I know there are many new members and I welcome you all. You are in the right place! After a painful struggle with infertility and repeat miscarriages, I am now 33 weeks pregnant and 39 years old today. I'd like to share my story with you all in hopes of inspiring and/or helping you through this painful part of your lives.
In 1994, at age 33, I became pregnant for the first time. At 9 weeks, I went in for a routine u/s and there was no heartbeat. Five days later, I miscarried and had a D&C immediately afterwards.
I was devastated and waited the recommended three months before trying to get pregnant again. It took us nine long months to conceive, and in July, 1996, my son was born.
My son was 2 1/2 when we started TTC again. I had no problem getting pregnant (conceived the first month and then again the second month of trying), but I had two miscarriages: one in 5/99 (at 5 weeks) and one in 9/99 (at 10 weeks). The second one was identical in circumstance to my very first m/c, although this time I did not let my body miscarry. U/S confirmed that the fetus was not viable (these are the cold & clinical terms I was given while laying on the table, expecting to see my baby's heartbeat), and I had a D&C two days later.
In October 99, I began temping and a dear friend gave me the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility". This began many months of chart-keeping and analyzing, during which time I became intimately familiar with the patterns of ovulation and my cycles. I quickly learned that I had a short luteal phase.
In November 99 (6 weeks later), we began treatment with an RE. It was a time of degradation and humiliation for me. Unfortunately, the RE I'd chosen had absolutely zero bedside manner and did not have any interest in a partnership with me. I came to his office as an informed patient, and he ridiculed my pursuit of knowledge. Still, at age 37, I was impatient to get some answers and did not want to take the time out to find another doctor.
For as long as I can remember, my cycles have been quite short and have grown shorter as I've grown older. They have lasted anywhere from 21 days to 27 days, averaging about 25 days in length.
I underwent extensive testing, including a complete blood work-up with blood draws done at various days in my cycle to obtain hormone levels; screening for more than 12 antibodies; thyroid levels; testing to see if I was perimenopausal. I underwent a HSP (an invasive test where dye is injected into the uterus and fallopian tubes through the cervix and x-rays are taken), which revealed only very minimal blockage in my fallopian tubes. DH had a sperm analysis, which revealed a high count and minimal abnormalities. Two months in a row, I was scheduled to undergo an endometrial biopsy--this was the only way that the doctor would officially confirm a diagnosis of short luteal phase (despite my temping and short cycles to prove the diagnosis). Both times, I started my period before the test could take place.
I was diagnosed with low progesterone (a level of 5 ng when it should have been >15), and the RE put me on Clomid (50 mgs./day for 7 days) the first month, in order to "make a better quality egg". I was completely against taking Clomid from the first time I walked into the office, but found myself intimidated and took it anyway. I struggled with the fact that Clomid made more eggs and up to that point, I wasn't having any problem getting pregnant, just staying pregnant.
Two weeks later, I went in for an u/s (I had a total of about 5 vaginal u/s during two months of treatment) and was found to have produced three eggs! I was terrified at the thought of multiples, but the doctor was simply thrilled with himself! He injected me with HCG (I think) to stimulate ovulation and instructed me to "have sex" 36 hours later. When I did not conceive that month, I was so relieved! I did find out (after yet another vaginal u/s) that the Clomid had caused me to develop an ovarian cyst, so the dr. suggested I take a month off of the Clomid before starting again. It was at that point that I finally followed my gut feelings and quit receiving medical treatment.
In December of 99, I found Brenda's website. I soaked up all of the information shared by the many wise and wonderful women on the list, as well as Brenda's comprehensive wealth of information. I immediately started taking Vitex, Wild Yam, and FUR to help balance my hormones, and I began using Renewed Balance Progesterone Cream. I also started acupuncture treatments, began daily juicing (carrots/apples/beets), drank tofu shakes every AM for breakfast (tofu, flaxseed oil, bee pollen, fruit, nutritional yeast), started drinking Red Raspberry leaf tea several times weekly, and made some radical dietary changes. I was already off of red meat, but at this point I began buying strictly organic produce, cut out refined & processed foods as well as artificial colors, caffeine, sodas, high fats, most dairy. I also began sleeping with an eye mask except during mid-cycle, to help regulate my ovulation.
Over the next few months, I did some educated experimenting and tried various herbs including Black Cohosh, but I always stuck with the Vitex and FUR. I learned from the acupuncturist that my feeling myself ovulate each month was NOT a positive thing as I'd always thought (I thought I was really in touch with my body), and soon I noticed that I was not feeling those familiar side twinges each month. The quality of my menses changed from thick, clumpy blood to bright red, non-clotty blood. My cycles lengthened by a couple of days, and I saw this as a positive sign. I no longer felt the traditional weepy, grumpy emotions that I used to feel in the days just before my period would begin, and the backaches and cramps of CD1 and CD2 were also nearly nonexistent.
In February 99, I began taking Dr. Christopher's Adrenetone, Changease and Nu-Fem. I'd also been drinking Barleygreen daily.
I treated monthly with an Applied Kinesiologist from March 99 until July 99. He did muscle testing and prescribed various herbs based on his diagnosis. He consistently treated me for adrenal fatigue among other things. During various months, I took astragalus, licorice, dong quai, black cohosh, burdock root, saw palmetto, myrrh gum, partridgebery along with other supplements and the Dr. Christopher's formulas that I continued to take (and the Vitex).
In July 99, I again started taking FUR. My ND (naturopath) also suggested that I try taking Motherwort, so I did. I also did some emotional work with the Applied Kinesiologist; mostly some powerful visualization relating to clearing myself of my feelings of powerlessness (a central theme in my life which was certainly accentuated by the infertility). In June 99, after ten months of temping every day, agonizing over every tenth of a degree up or down, analyzing every minute change in my charts, I decided to put the thermometer away and turn my fate over to the universe. I had let TTC completely rule my life: I ate, breathed, slept and talked of little else and I was in great turmoil. I had to find a way to let go and let life happen however it was meant to.
I can't believe that it was a coincidence that I conceived that month! I somehow just knew that I had conceived and did a HPT on CD24, 25, 26, and 27. All were positive! This was a relief, after all the money I had spent previously on HPTs (at least by this point I had learned that Costco sells them in a box of 3 for about $8). I stayed on the progesterone cream throughout my first trimester, and would have continued with the Vitex but I was nauseous enough that there was no way I could swallow any of the herbal tinctures.
While I am deeply grateful for my pregnancy, I will say that pregnancy after infertility and miscarriage carries its own interesting and painful emotions. I spent much of my early and mid pregnancy in a state of semi-denial and detachment, I suppose largely because I was fearful of depending on this actually truly happening. Of course, this doesn't mean that everyone's experience will mirror mine; it just suggests to me that the pain of infertility can linger on even in pregnancy. It's been a time of healing for me. I've found tremendous healing and empowerment by continuing my journey in health and self-care: I've created a nurturing and powerful support system by receiving midwife care, where I am a valued and equal partner in my healthcare. My pregnancy is valued and appreciated as more than just a clinical, medical experience: my midwives are truly interested in the emotional aspects of pregnancy. I continue to work to create the pregnancy and plan the birth that I want, and this has helped me to feel more attached to this baby (gender unknown!) and more in charge of my health. We are excitedly planning a homebirth (a decided departure from my traditional hospital/epidural delivery of my son, who is now 4 1/2) and are in the process of creating a birthplan that envisions the birth we want to create.
I apologize for the length of my testimony, but I have tried to be as detailed as I possibly could be in hopes of benefiting anyone and everyone as much as possible. If you can gain even a sliver of hope, support, or practical advise from any part of my story, then my wordiness will have been worth it! Keep up the hard work, women. The ultimate goal is health and clarity and hopefully you will also be blessed with the joyful gift of pregnancy.
Blessings to you all,
Kris
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